By: George Karounis
If there’s one thing that’s certain in this world, other than death and taxes (yah, sue me. Oh wait…) it is that parents are always going to be doing dumb things to their kids for as long as men and women are allowed to mingle their love juices together to form some half breed replica of themselves without some kind of genetic manipulation which can breed kids coming out of the uterus fully clothed with a days worth of stubble, ready to take on the world. This is such an absolute truth, that the more parents learn about the dumb things they used to do in the past, the dumber the things they decide to do in the future are as a way to give the finger to their own parents.
“You didn't let me do drugs when I was a child, so I became a hippie drug addict in the 70s and now I make PSA's to prevent the next generation of kids from doing drugs. Eat it mom!”
So here’s a list of three things parents need to stop doing immediately.
1: Leashes.
Get your kids off of them. Every time I see a kid on a leash, I feel like running up to him, un-buckling it and screaming, “run, you’re free!” and then stomp his parent into the ground for being a complete fail. Kids on leashes are one of the dumbest things this generation of parents have come up with as a way to somehow make themselves feel as though they’re doing everything possible to keep their kids safe. First it was having their kids wear helmets when going on walks, for fear of tripping over their own stubby mal-formed legs and breaking their skulls open. Once they realised kids still got hurt, regardless of what was on their heads, they opted instead to keep them at home, glued to a television screen watching mind numbing children shows about some Mexican girl with an absurdly creepy fetish for backpacks and animals.
I feel your pain, kid.
That being said, parents still need to take their kids out once in a while, and now what they do, as a precaution against child rapists, apparently, or because they have absolutely no faith in the intelligence of their own DNA, is they keep them on leashes. This is absurd. Completely beyond insane. Who does this? Who actually sat down one day in a marketing meeting for a new product R&D was trying to push and say to the rest of the board:
“So… we have this new product. Now, don’t throw it out the window straight away. Just hear me through. So here’s the plan. We’ve created a new product, which we believe will appeal greatly to the security problems parents feel they have when it comes to keeping tabs on their children. Because subcutaneous tracking devices are technically illegal, we believe that parents are going to love the next best option. Leashes. For their kids. These differ from leashes for their dogs in… Hm, well… not a significant way, but, why build on a product that already gets the job done?”
Yah. Fuck them. Leashes for kids are stupid. Stop that. Your kid is not a dog, no matter how much he may resemble one. Which leads me into my next point.
2: Cute kids.
Whenever I hear somebody say out loud, “oh my god! What a cute baby!”, I feel like mentioning that pointing out the fact that a baby is cute is like saying telephones are meant to be used as communication devices, not as bewilderingly efficient sexual toys. It’s obvious. Kids are cute. We get that. It’s a natural reaction we get which is embedded into our psyche through a complex evolutionary system meant to keep us from eating our own offspring, or throwing them off of cliffs. As it turns out, somebody really ought to have warned the Spartans about that.
Child Safety Fail
However, it’s not that kids are objectively cute. They’re not. We just perceive babies as cute because it’s what we’re expected to do. Evolution has veered us in such a way so as to view little tiny creatures with terribly disproportioned heads to the rest of their bodies, unable to open their eyes and covered with wrinkles and dead skin as a result of being submerged in water for nine months in such a way that we have this aching reaction to want to somehow keep this bundle of poop from dying.
Nature is a clever little wench. But nature isn’t completely infallible. For instance, did you know that the Komodo Dragon has been documented eating its own young? Yah, fuck you nature. Just imagine how many evolutionary gaps exist between humans and Komodo Dragons that we finally realized that eating our young is not really the best technique for becoming a thriving and dominant species.
So here’s a nice button closing for this bit: “Cute kids; nothing more than evolution.”
Eat it. Or don’t, actually.
3: Infant centric Universe
Will I Dream?
Parents are stupid. We’ve established this. But so are children. Children are inherently pretty dumb. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, or even their fault, it’s just a result of our biological development. Because of our massive heads and our bi-pedal nature, children are forced to be born before their brains have fully developed and their craniums totally fused together. In short, children are dumb cause their brains are still mush. They’re pretty dumb for a large portion of their early childhood. They can’t control their bowel movements for a good portion of two years because their brains are too busy focusing on doing things like breathing and keeping their heart beats regular and accumulating and analysing massive bits of information, new information, which they are being bombarded with.
So what’s the point? The point is this. I’ve gotten pretty sick and tired of parents going around thinking their children are these special little creatures, perfect in every way and just a little bit smarter than the average children of friends and family they know. Setting aside the obvious narcissism of this phenomenon — “Oh, look Betty. Your child is still trying to figure out which hole the circle block fits into. My child is doing advanced calculus, isn’t that precious?” “Margaret, your child is twenty five and studying to get his masters in mathematics.” “I know, my little baby is so precious!” — kids are generally pretty dumb and nothing special.
Parents need to get over this and stop treating their kids as though everything they do is worth whipping out their thousand dollar digital camera so that they can always remember the first time little Bobby got an erection.
Basically, what I’m trying to say, here, is your kid’s erections are not important. Put down the camera and leave your kid to his playboy and roll of toilet paper.
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